Off Topic: Enterprise Spoof by Lauren

Pic from http://artphilia.livejournal.com/

Enterprise Spoof

"Captain's Log Stardate...er... oh wait that's right. Stardates don't exist yet. Well anyway, April 22, 2153. I had a meeting with Vulcan's this morning. I expect things to go smoothly. My science officer/sub-commander T'Pol believes it's a waste of time to ask what I'm asking for. But I think I have a fool proof plan."

Captain Archer is sitting at a meeting with Trip and T'Pol across from them are three Vulcan representatives. "No." The Vulcan man in the middle calmly said. T'Pol looked embarrassed and Trip looked amused. Captain Archer furrowed his brow he slammed his foot on the ground as he whined. "But why?" The Vulcan man in the middle spoke again, "Because we said so. We told the humans when we made first contact that we would help you in your advances." Archer folded his arms. "You'd be helping us if you'd just tell us how to make our ships faster than warp 5." The Vulcan leader spoke again, "Is this the only reason why you've called us here?" Archer ignored the question. "C'mon you have to tell us. All the other starship captains are laughing at us!" The Vulcan leader got up and the other two followed. "Don't call us again."

Captain Archer was sad to see the Vulcan's go he held T'Pol and Trip in the meeting room for another hour complaining about how unfair they were for not giving them the technology. "Can we go now?" Trip said as soon as Archer took a breath. "We'll T'Pol you can go. Trip I need to talk to you for a little while longer." T'Pol jumped up and ran out of the room. "What's on your mind Captain'" Archer seemed confused by the question and laughed a little. "You know." Trip looked confused. "I know what?" Archer sat down next to Trip. "This is our time to be alone and talk to each other about the things that are on our mind." Archer smiled at Trip. Trip felt uncomfortable. "I don't remember us doing that." Trip tried to find away to get back to the ship's engines. "Sure we do. Every episode we have a talk. Whether it's when we're under attack in the dessert, or being attacked by the spider web version of the blob, or even that time you didn't want me to help that man find his son. Boy, you were really pissed that day. But the point is, we talk about it Trip. And I appreciate that. I can't talk to T'Pol the same way I can talk to you." Trip stared at Archer for a moment. "Did you hear that?" Trip jumped up. Archer looked around "Hear what?" Trip was out the door already he shouted back. "I think the engines are failing. I've got to go check it out!" Trip ran down the hall as fast as he could.

Mayweather and Hoshi were having a meal together and they were trying to have a private discussion. "It's true Hoshi." Hoshi looked at Mayweather very skeptically. "I think it's in your head. I'm the one with the problems." Trip rushed over sat down and he put his head down. "Hey, Trip. I thought you'd be with the Captain." Trip looked up. "Now why would you say that. Why wouldn't you think that I'd be with T'Pol or in the engine room? Or hell in sick bay?" Hoshi looked at Mayweather and smiled. "Because about 80% of the time you're with the Captain. What do you guys talk about all of the time?" Hoshi leaned in. "Hey I have an idea. How about you two tell me what you're talking about." Trip said with a big smile. Mayweather and Hoshi snickered for a second. "Well, we were discussing which one of us has the most problems." Trip frowned. "What?" Mayweather cut in. "You haven't noticed? The only people who ever save the day is you, the captain, Lt. Reed, the doctor, or T'Pol. It's hardly ever us." Trip shrugged his shoulders. "No I didn't notice." Mayweather fussed with his food. "I mean I'm always in trouble." Hoshi's face faltered. "Prove it." Mayweather pulled up a website on the screen. "It's right here on wikipedia: Over the course of the series, Mayweather has been injured, incapacitated, or even "killed" more times than any other character in the primary cast." explain that Hoshi. Hoshi looked at the web site then at Mayweather, "You're going to get your facts from wikipedia?" she made a smarty-pants face. Trip sighed. "You both suck." Trip chimed in. "No one's had the heart to tell you that, but you both do." Hoshi scoffed. "What? How do I suck?" Trip sighed. "Really Hoshi? Are we forgetting the time we were sick and you were babbling in like 40 languages while you trying to open the air lock and kill the both of us? And you..." Trip turned to Mayweather "You were supposed to be guiding US through those caves but what happens mid-way through you break your ankle." The table was quiet for a moment. "At least I don't spend half of my time with the Captain." Mayweather said in a low voice. "That's it." Trip got up and left.

Trip walking down the hall trying to get to his room until he bummed into T'Pol. "Hey T'Pol, sorry about that. Where are you headed?" T'Pol looked at Trip without emotion. "I am on my way to my quarters where I will continue to deny all of my emotions."

Suddenly the crew got a message from another ship everyone rushed to the bridge. "We're being hailed." Hoshi announced. "Gee, is that what that beeping sound was, Hoshi? Put them through." Archer snapped at Hoshi. "Hello, my name is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise. We are from the future. My first officer convinced me that it would be a fun time for us to travel back in time to make fun of all of you. We'll beam ourselves aboard." Jean-Luc ended the transmission. Everyone on the bridge looked confused.

After being beamed aboard the TNG crew had various laughs at Enterprise's expense. Geordi couldn't stop laughing at their transporter. "Wait, you mean to tell me that's how far it reaches?" Geordi laughed so hard he couldn't control it. Captain Archer, T'Pol and Trip followed Picard and Riker down the hall. "What warp does your ship go to?" Archer shouted. "What do you mean?" Picard looked at Riker. "All of them?" he shrugged his shoulders. Archer shouted a "Yes! How far in the future are you from?" Picard was in the dining hall looking around. "We're from 2366." Archer looked shocked. "What?" Picard looked at him. "Oh yes. By the time Enterprise would've reached maximum warp you'd be very dead, my fellow Captain." Archer frowned. "Not fair."

Picard giving up finally asks. “Where is your replicator?” Archer looked around at his crew. “Our what?” Riker started to snicker. “You’re replicator.” Picard paused and then started talking to them very slowly. “How do you get your food?” Riker tapped Picard on the shoulder. “I think they cook it.” Picard looked shocked. “What?” Archer sighed. “Okay, that’s enough.” Picard cut him off. “Wait a second…what warp does your ship go to?” Archer looked around very uncomfortably before mumbling. “Five.” Picard leaned forward. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you. I didn’t get that.” Archer stood up straight. “Five. We go to warp five.” Trip in the background could be heard saying “Barely.” Archer shushed him but it was too late. Riker and Picard were besides themselves with laughter. The intercom systems beeped. “Will. “ It was Deanna Troi. Riker stopped laughing. “Um…uh yes.” He said finally confident. “I know you wanted to cheer the Captain up because he used to be a Borg, but now it’s time to come back home.” Riker looked around embarrassed. “Sure, honey. We’re on our way.” Picard was making fun of Riker by making whipping noises. “Hey man. Shut up. At least I have a girl.” Picard stopped laughing. “Hey… watch it. I had…I had a girlfriend.” Riker leaned forward. “Who Jean Grey?” Picard looked at Riker in shock. “No, her name was Kamala.” Riker put his hand on Picard’s shoulder. “Who cares what her name is at the end of your relationship you had to help in the ceremony to get her married to another guy. So I still have the girl and you don’t.” Picard looked mad. “Well, I’m still Captain. Try that on. And anyway if I wanted I could take Deanna away from you if I wanted.” Riker laughed. “Sure. Well this trip to the past has been funny and extremely depressing. Let’s go back home. We have to go to the bridge first.” Picard, Riker and Geordi had one long good laugh at the ships bridge before finally leaving. Archer stopped them before they were beamed up. “Captain Picard. What is a Borg?” The three looked at each other very seriously trying not to break into laughter before they were transported.

“Well, that was unsettling.” T’Pol said to no one in particular. “Trip. I want to see you in my office about this.” Hoshi and Mayweather started snickering. “Uh, sorry Cap’n I need too…uh…give T’Pol a back massage. “